What I've Learned About Monogamy

What I've learned about monogamy while my husband and I explore opening our relationship.

My husband and I said our marriage vows and committed ourselves to one another in a monogamous society. It is, after all, what’s expected. But it wasn’t until recently that we started to question why that was.

To clarify, we’re not unhappy - not with each other, our relationship, or our sex life. We’re just two people who question things. We talk about things. And we like to explore.

So when we started talking about non-monogamy, polyamory, throuples, and designer relationships, it wasn’t because one of us was looking to gain something specific. It was just because we feel comfortable enough with each other to have these kinds of conversations. And the more conversations we had, the more we realized that maybe there was something to this idea that made sense to us.

The more we started exploring the idea, the more monogamy started to feel like a contrived societal concept. The idea that we all just enter into exclusive, monogamous relationships without even discussing what the word monogamous means now seems crazy to me. Because the reality is, there isn’t even a universally agreed-upon definition of monogamy. It doesn’t mean exactly the same thing to every person.

Without a clear definition, one person might think watching porn constitutes as cheating, and another person might think it’s okay to kiss other people as long as things don’t go any further than that. Both people could say they’re monogamous, and they could both be right. However, if those two people were dating each other and had never discussed what monogamy meant to them specifically, they would likely be headed for some serious heartache.

One thing I took away from the book Designer Relationships is that even monogamy is not as straightforward as we’re led to believe it is. We shouldn’t just enter into a monogamous relationship and assume that both people are on the same page and want the same things automatically. Monogamy should still be a conversation.

I think my biggest takeaway has been that relationships should really just start with open dialogue. The people involved should communicate what they’re looking for in the relationship, both physically and emotionally. If two people choose to be monogamous, they need to be open about the aspects of monogamy that are important to them, so that both people understand what would constitute being unfaithful to the other. On the flip side, having more of these open conversations might make us (as a society) realize that more people are actually open to things like non-monogamy and polyamory then we thought, they just aren’t sure how to approach them in a society that’s built around monogamy as a standard.

I think the problem is that most people are operating on a lot of assumptions. And as with everything, assumptions are a dangerous place to hang your hat. If you’ve never had a conversation about monogamy with your partner, you’re simply assuming that the aspects of monogamy that you value are the same ones that they do. But without ever discussing it, how can you be sure?

Like the authors of Designer Relationships, I’m not just advocating that non-monogamy is the best option for everyone. I definitely think that you have to be in a certain place personally before you can even consider it, and it has to be something you want. But I also don’t think monogamy as a standard is as straightforward as society wants us to think it is. If it was, I don’t think we’d have quite so much infidelity.